PINK PARTIES and HELPING HANDS(c)

In October 1991, a Liberty High School Student committed suicide with a hand gun. Her name was Jennifer Woodard. Jennifer left a note confessing she had been in an incredibly abusive relationship with another student, was pregnant, and felt that she had no one to talk to and no way out of the relationship other than to end her life.

Distraught school officials contacted Turning Point to arrange counseling for many confused and grieving students. At the time, Turning Point's counseling and shelter programs were mainly geared toward adult women and young children. However, the request from Liberty High School faculty, and the incident that precipitated that request, clearly underscored that the problem of teen intimate partner relationships -- and teen dating abuse -- was not being given proper attention. Turning Point's Outreach Program was expanded to include prevention education, and it now reaches more than 9,500 students in nine school districts annually. In 2002, the Prevention Program was officially named after Jennifer.

Teen dating abuse is still rampant and is reaching epidemic proportions. It is a pattern of manipulative, controlling, and sometimes violent behavior. There can be threats, emotional abuse, insults (such as calling a girl ugly or fat), isolation from friends, and control over what someone wears and with whom someone socializes. Many teens overlook abusive behavior unless it is physical.

According to a survey by Teenage Research Unlimited in 2006, nearly half of teens who have been in a dating relationship have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner. Three out of five teens said that they've had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves. Additionally, the advent of devices that are supposed to make our lives easier, such as cell phones and the Internet, has made dating abuse incredibly more pervasive but also more concealed. One in three teens who have been in a relationship say they've been text messaged even 30 times an hour by a partner who wants to find out where they are and whom they're with. Nearly one in five teens in a relationship says that their partner has used a cell phone or the Internet to spread rumors about them.

A 2007 study concluded that ''parents are grossly unaware of this problem, with 81 percent either believing that teen dating violence is not an issue or admitting that they don't really know if it is. And, a majority share that they have not spoken to their child about dating violence. Of those parents who have not spoken to their teen about this issue, nearly two-thirds would do so if they had more information about how to initiate a dialogue.''

On Monday, Turning Point, as part of a 12-agency ''Week Without Teen Dating Violence'' committee, will hold a free presentation that focuses on this national crisis at 6 p.m. at the Boys & Girls Clubs of Allentown at Sixth and Green streets. It will include a discussion of dating violence issues and a three-act play about a dating relationship that becomes progressively more abusive. After each scene, The actors, students from Allentown Central Catholic High School, will remain in character to answer questions from and engage in dialogue with audience members. The program seeks to:

Develop awareness of the increasing occurrence of abusive and controlling behavior in teenage relationships in the Lehigh Valley;

Educate teens about the warning signs of abuse and where to go for help;

Educate parents, professionals, and the public;

Parents, coaches, youth leaders, pastors, school guidance counselors, and anyone else in a leadership role -- and, of course, students -- are encouraged to attend. For those who are unable to attend, Turning Point would be happy to talk to groups or provide information on how to bring up the topic of dating violence yourself. For more information, call our outreach department at 610-797-0530, ext. 228. Turning Point's helpline is 610-437-3369, and all services are free and confidential.

Pam Russell is executive director of Turning Point of Lehigh Valley, with offices in Allentown.



''Teen

dating abuse is still rampant and is

reaching epidemic proportions. It is a pattern of manipulative, controlling, and

sometimes

violent

behavior.''

PAMELA RUSSELL

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Copyright © 2008, The Morning Call

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is abuse by a caregiver, a parent, a spouse or an intimate partner. It can take many forms. Here are some types of abuse: Physical abuse is the use of physical force; sexual abuse means any forced sexual activity; emotional abuse includes threats, constant criticism and put-downs. Controlling access to money and controlling activities are other abusive behaviors.

What should I know about domestic violence?

Violence against a partner or a child is a crime in all states. Each year, at least 2 million women are abused in this country. Abuse happens to people of all races, ages, incomes and religions.

People who are hurt by their partners or parents do not cause the abuse. Alcohol and drugs do not cause abuse, although they can make the violence worse. Abuse can begin, continue and increase during pregnancy.

What can I do if my children or I am abused?

First, make sure you and your children are safe. Go to a safe place, such as the home of a friend or a relative or an emergency shelter. Take your children with you. Call the police if you think you can't leave home safely or if you want to bring charges against your abuser.

If possible, take house keys, money and important papers with you. Do not use drugs or alcohol at this time because you need to be alert in a crisis. The staff members at emergency shelters can help you file for a court order of protection.

What are other ways I can get help if I am abused?

Talk to your doctor, who can treat any medical problem, provide support and make referrals. Call an emergency shelter and ask about counseling and support groups for you and your children. Nurses, social workers and other health care professionals can also help you.

Other organization: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence-http://www.ncadv.org; National Domestic Violence Hotline - http://www.ndvh.org- 1-800-799-7233.

For more information :

• History of discipline problems.
• Blames you for his/her anger.
• Serious drug or alcohol use.
• History of violent behavior.
• Threatens others regularly.
• Insults you or calls you names.
• Trouble controlling feelings like anger.
• Tells you what to wear, what to do or how to act.
• Threatens or intimidates you in order to get their way.
• Prevents you from spending time with friends or family.
  

Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships

If you think your husband or boyfriend is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the red flags of domestic violence and abuse listed in this article. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of spousal abuse is the first step to breaking free.

Domestic violence warning signs

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness a number of warning signs in a friend, family member, or co-worker, you can reasonably suspect domestic abuse.

• Frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
• Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
• Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
• Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
• Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
• Excessive fear of conflict
• Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
• Isolation from friends and family
• Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)
• Depression, crying, low self-esteem

Reporting suspected domestic abuse is important. If you're afraid of getting involved, remember that the report is confidential and everything possible will be done to protect your privacy. You don’t have to give your name, and your suspicions will be investigated before anyone is taken into custody. Most important, you can protect the victim from further harm by calling for help.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in the table below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

• Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
• Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
• Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

Cycle of violence

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."
• Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
• Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.

Types of domestic violence and abuse 

There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include more than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of these behaviors may overlap.

Emotional or psychological abuse  

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

Physical abuse

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. There’s a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon.

Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

Economic or financial abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently hurt you to do that. In addition to hurting you emotionally and physically, an abusive partner may also hurt you in the pocketbook. Economic of financial abuse includes:

• Controlling the finances.
• Withholding money or credit cards.
• Giving you an allowance.
• Making you account for every penny you spend.
• Stealing from you or taking your money.
• Exploiting your assets for personal gain.
• Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)